Studying

And here we are studying

this week:

N/V/D

not much sleep

an ankle sprained

first day of autumn

first day of cleanse/detox

a good drink with a beautiful friend

O.R. day - observations of spinal fusion and of coronary artery bypass

first good long run in a while - just 4.5 at Druid Lake, but still. it feels good.

some sleepiness, some energetic go-mode

some apathy, some dedication

first pharmacology exam

drinking lots of tea

a clean room

no make-up

new mug

an evening haiku

sitting here, quiet

people all around, doing

feeling at peace, and yet not

to be unsatisfied

I could swear I have two hearts

One to stay, one to depart

This sad, tragic kingdom

And it burns me down to the core

Because I know there's so much more

It's just a pale reflection

And it keeps me wanting

that mysterious thing

Like an outcast waiting to belong

And while the thrills are fading

The joy is in the waiting

Somewhere in the grand design

It's good to be unsatisfied

It keeps the faith and hope

a little more alive

//LB//

(DownHere, My Last Amen)

friendship is this truth

to know you are loved in health

and when sick and sad

rain

This has been a rainy week, in more ways than one. Thunderstorms and heavy rains outside, yes, all up and down the East coast. But inside me, I feel kind of a dark stormyness too. I feel heavy, heavy in your arms, as Florence + would say. A subdued but present energy, like on a windy afternoon where suddenly heavy clouds move in but haven't decided yet whether to rain and thunder or just linger a while in their brooding.

It has been a week full of good conversations, frustrations, hard topics, short hours of sleep, and unresolved questions. I simultaneously feel relieved, apathetic, hurt, and energized.

I've had on my mind a theme touched on by Sherman Alexie. It's captured here in a statement about diabetes by a character in one of his books:

"The detective looked at us both. All he knew was criminals and how they worked. He must have figured diabetes worked like a criminal, breaking and entering. But he had it wrong. Diabetes is just like a lover, hurting you from the inside. I was closer to my diabetes than to any of my family or friends...."

There is such capacity to love deeply - and be loved deeply - and also to hurt deeply - and be hurt as deeply by - those you hold the closest. (And your pancreas.)

It is those who are most vital to us that we love so fiercely and sometimes so carelessly.

I raise a glass to lovers and vital organs everywhere, for loving deeply and for keeping our insides functioning.

//LB//

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but for the grace of God, there go I.

About working at the Moore clinic with HIV/AIDS patients:

Gloria: Lots of times, patients will say, You’re the reason I keep coming back, the reason I keep taking care of myself. I look forward to your smile and saying ‘hi’ to me.

Wesla: Lots of the patients come up just to talk to each other. One patient wants to come up here whether he has an appointment or not. He tries to get us to lie to his mother and tell her he has an appointment.

G: He calls almost every day. We’ve had other patients like that. We know we’re their only support system. The families have disowned them. That was really hard for patients. They were just afraid to tell their families. And I think that’s probably still true today because it is still not accepted.

W: When they miss an appointment and call, I tell them: I know where you live.

G: Sometimes they do keep the appointment just because you personalize it and say, I'm going to check up on you. Lots of patients do need someone checking up on them. They just don't have it from anywhere else.

W: We’ve got some that go back out on the street. And they’re honest with you. They won’t lie about it.

G: You just let them know you’re glad they’re back. Nobody knows if they will ever be in that situation themselves. You don’t know what kind of events you’ll have in your life, where you become overwhelmed. You shouldn’t be judgmental.

W: Because but for the grace of God, there go I.

//LB//

http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/dome/0312/centerpiece.cfm

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New Routine

WELL, school has started again. (For how many consecutive years of my life have I been saying this? Seriously. Too many.)

Summer vacation, though a brief three weeks, was a beautiful time of doing nothing but visiting with people that I love. And I started running again, which is ALMOST to the point where it feels awesome, but not quite there yet. My body's is still whining. But it's starting to remember.

This semester is SHWAY less busy than the first. The summer semester was a whirlwind of adjusting to a new city, new school, unclear expectations, and a new kind of studying. (Not to mention a rigorous, accelerated schedule.) But now I'm past all that. I know the bus route, how to prepare for class, and how to study (maybe not that last one quite yet). I enjoy my roommates and my neighborhood. The initial adjustment is done. Now, it's a new set of cool things to learn and do. It's great. It's almost like the change of seasons, which I know is about to begin as well. There's just a different feel in the air.

The change of a new routine is refreshing and revitalizing.

And God is good.

a haiku:

subtle hints of change

whispered by the verdant leaves

summer sun stands by

//LB//