Heavy

I am feeling the heaviness. The weight of broken relationships, the gravity of choices made in situ, the reverberating impact. I wish I could explain. I wish I could convey "the why," wish I could find a listening ear instead of a lecturing voice.

I wish I could reconnect instead of splicing the wire, one small thread at a time. If only I was enough. If only my actions were consistent; but aren't they? Is it not obvious that this is a struggle for me? It's not cut and dry. It's hard. It's heavy. It's ugly. Nobody chooses to do this to themselves or those around them; I know my choices have led to this, but I never intended for things to hurt anybody like this.

I wish I could convey the struggle. The tension. That this is not at all cut-and-dry. It's not black and white. That I desperately want to make things right. That I don't want to isolate.

I really am like a wrecking ball. I wanted to bring healing and hope, and here I've brought destruction in all directions. How do I repair with my tiny needle and thread what has been demolished in one fell swoop with a giant mass of steel? How do I do right by the people I've wronged? I can't go back, I can't return to where I started. I can't rewind... and pretending that can happen isn't going to help any of us.